She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
