i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
