Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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