And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
