I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
