my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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