I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
