do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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