thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
