You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Are we still banned from the library?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
