watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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