it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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