Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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