i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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