u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
