can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
