masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
