I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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