i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
