I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
