If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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