I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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