very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
