I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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