Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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