How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
