So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Semen is not good for contacts.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
