Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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