There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
