dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
