I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
