There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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