I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
