I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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