I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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