you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
