Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
