i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
