He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
