I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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