When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
