I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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