You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
