need another drink. this is the easiest way
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
