At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
