Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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