I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
