Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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