Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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