The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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