So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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